I am. 

I’ve always wanted to be a stay at home mom (STAHM). And for YEARS I resented the STAHMs I knew (Sorry Becca… you know I love you, buuuut I resented you like the dickens.) I worked hard for years. I felt like a failure at home, and let’s be honest, a failure at work. I was late to work and late picking up my kids. I would work hard for my boss, but then let down my husband. My stress level was through the roof, it was affecting my health, and I would take it out on the people I loved the most. It wasn’t until my husband said. “Why don’t you just quit?” that I started to see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

But I felt guilty. 

Could I really do this? Would we be able to afford it? What would we have to give up in order to make it a possibility?

Sometimes, I feel like I know what my dream is, but other times I gaslight myself with what other people think. What if my dream isn’t good enough? What if it’s unrealistic? It can’t last. What if that’s not intelligent enough? What if it’s not difficult enough? What if I’m not as good at that as I think I am? There are people who are better than me, why would anyone care what I have to say? 

And, why do I do that to myself? Why do I feel like I can’t possibly attain the thing that I always wanted? I’ve never heard of a STAHM with imposter syndrome. Then I get stuck in my own head, and I self-sabotage. I start screwing things up that should be easy because waking up and just being and doing what needs to be done seems so selfish. I over-complicate things. I often feel like I don’t deserve this life. 

I continue the gaslighting… Maybe what I really want to do is this or that other thing. If I’m good at it, it must be what I want. But that’s not true. 

So here I am, saying it and letting it out. I want to be a stay at home mom who takes care of her husband, kids, and household. I want to write what’s on my heart and produce what I can. I know I won’t always be good at it, and this won’t (and hasn’t) always be a possibility, but it’s what I want, and what I’ve always wanted – even if it isn’t practical or modern or cool. It is who I am.