There is nothing like aging (and parenting) to teach you that life isn’t as clear as you think it is when you’re a kid. Or, let’s be honest, most days as an adult, I still feel like life is simple until it rises up and smacks me in the face.  

When I was a kid, I’d debate stuff that was far out of my league. I’ve always loved talking about the things that really matter. I remember being a 1st grader riding the bus home, and talking with the bus driver. I was the last kid that got dropped off, and we talked about all kinds of things: religion, right and wrong, hopes and dreams. I was always that way. I would never refuse a conversation. It’s why I would love to have a podcast someday. 

And it didn’t change as I got older. I remember being a pre-teen spending hours on the phone with my best friend speaking in hypothetical terms. “What if …” those questions were my favorite. Any and all circumstances were up for debate. “What if aliens contacted you? What would be the 1st thing you would do?” 

I remember as a teenager debating with my “boss.” I worked in my dad’s insurance agency after school, filing his paperwork for him. There was another insurance agent that worked with my dad, and sometimes I would work for him too. We would talk about all kinds of things. He would ask me random questions about politics or religion, and I would ask him the same. 

It helped me learn my non-negotiables: the things I believed wholeheartedly, and the things that were up for debate. When I was a kid I was fragile. Someone would bring something up that I disagreed with, and I could feel my temperature rise. If I couldn’t logically defend my opinion against theirs, I couldn’t help but feel angry. Sometimes I KNEW something to be true, but I didn’t know HOW I knew it to be true. Eventually, I thought well, if the only reason I think these things are true is because they just ‘are,’ and I can’t defend them, then they must not be true. I need to give them up. One slight breeze and my house of belief-cards would come tumbling down. I didn’t want to be the person who got angry because she was ‘wrong’. So, if I felt anger when defending my positions, I assumed, wow. I must be wrong on this because I can’t defend it without getting worked-up.

When in college, I learned that all of it is up for debate. If anything doesn’t stand scrutiny and debate, then maybe it isn’t true. Maybe there is something “TRUER.” I started to waffle on things that seemed so clear when I was in 1st grade. I met people who I began to love and trust, but they were often people who didn’t think the same way I did. I didn’t want to ruffle their feathers, and I would go along with what they thought. I didn’t want to hurt their feelings, and I curtailed myself to fit their opinions: first by inches, then by miles. I got to a place where I didn’t recognize myself anymore. I knew somewhere in me was that little girl who seemed so clear on the school bus talking about life and love, back then I was solid in my thoughts and beliefs, but eventually, the only thing I still knew to be true were the things that were observable since I could logically defend these things. 

But then there was this other category: Right and Wrong for instance. Who knows, maybe we’re “floatin’ around accidental-like on a breeze,” and there is no right and wrong. That seems like a less controversial idea. Then I can live any way I want and you can live any way you want and we’re all ok. So maybe it’s what is “real” because it’s more convenient for me.  Maybe it was right. But wait… if that’s “right,” then the idea that there are right and wrong ideas and truth is “wrong”… So there are right and wrong ideas. 🤦‍♀️And around and around we go.  

I started to learn that in some cases, opposites can be right at the same time, and in other cases that isn’t true. The easiest opposite that isn’t mutually exclusive is: “I love you and hate you.” I think we’ve all felt something like that at one point or another. Think of any young teen who has slammed a door because they just “hate” his/her mom. Technically speaking, love and hate are opposites. But they can coexist. They aren’t mutually exclusive; however there are some truth claims that are mutually exclusive. Some things can not be True and False at the same time. There are truth claims that stand scrutiny and show themselves as the most reasonable truth-claim based on experience and reason. There are some truth claims (on the other hand) that are not true, or do not stand scrutiny. They are mutually exclusive.

One example is the statement, “There is a creator of the universe” vs. “The universe spontaneously came into being without a creator.” Now bear with me on this one, I know I might lose some people just bringing this up. But these two things cannot both be true at the same time.  I used to get angry when people threatened my understanding of the way the world worked. I felt like I knew God, and for them to claim that he didn’t exist infuriated me, until I realized that if it is true, then it should stand scrutiny. There is nothing wrong with challenging a belief. A truth is a truth whether you like it or not. If someone is honestly searching for the truth, they will find it. People who disagreed with me just weren’t there yet, and maybe they could hear me out, and I could help them, or maybe not. Maybe these people hadn’t yet wrestled with God enough to know him. However, if I were wrong, then the same could be true about me. If I scrutinized my belief in the original uncaused-cause, then I could come to the realization that it wasn’t logically viable. The truth will be the truth no matter who believes in it. Basically no matter what you personally believe, this one has got to be one or the other.

So, what opposites can be true at the same time and what opposites cannot? 

Which is more important, showing people the truth (even if it is uncomfortable) or giving people grace and understanding? The truth can be harsh, and we need to give people grace sometimes, but we can’t give people too much grace, letting them get away with things that go against the truth and get themselves or other people hurt.

When I was teaching my kids to walk to the park, I had to make it clear that it wasn’t safe to run out in the middle of the road. Even if they didn’t see anyone coming, or they were chasing a ball, other friends, or a dog. There was no reason to run into the road. They needed to learn the truth about going out into the road without an adult. If I gave them grace and said “Oh it’s ok, if you really feel like running in the road, little 5 year-old, you can do that.” I would be teaching them something dangerous. I would be doing them a disservice. 

On the other hand, if my daughter burns the grilled cheese that we are having for lunch, and I punish her for it because she’s wasted money and time, and needs to learn how to cook lunch correctly, I will actually be discouraging her from learning from her mistakes. Technically I won’t be “wrong.” She did waste money, and she did do something that wasn’t “right,” but showing my daughter some grace in this instance is good, and conducive to growth and maturity. 

As it turns out, the tension between kindness (grace), and speaking to people honestly (truth) is the most important. It’s both love and honesty, and it guides discussion and understanding of all other truths. Many opposites are true at the same time.

Reality belongs in the balance and tension between opposites.