In-short “yes.”

First, let’s take it to extremes. Let’s say someone is completely neglectful, and a drug addict, so they are more focused on their next hit than the human beings they’re in charge of raising. They lock their kids in a room, let them them out to use the bathroom and eat then shove them back in the room. We’ve all heard horror stories like this. And we’ve also heard of beautiful Cinderella stories of people succeeding in spite of their abusive treatment: a phoenix rising from the ashes of sheer chaos – in some ways, seeing what not to do helps them find better examples out in the world that lead them to live deeper, fuller, more productive lives. They have seen the depth of human depravity, so a set-back or challenge keeping them from their goal is easily surmountable.

Now, let’s say someone goes the other way. They don’t withhold anything that they possibly can from their children. They sacrifice everything they have to give their children everything. They let their child waste away in perpetual distraction and pleasure, because what if they fail at something? That would hurt. The child doesn’t know how to do anything for themselves because “why learn? Mom’s got it.” We’ve heard of these instances too. We’ve heard of people failing to launch and that no significant-other can even begin to meet unrealistic expectations that these pampered children have. But we’ve heard of glow-ups too. Kids who have had an epiphany that they can’t just waste away. They grow a backbone and some pride and take control of their lives in spite of their set-up for failure from their spoiling parents.

I assume that the folks who will be reading my blog live somewhere between these two extremes. They purposefully withhold some things to help teach their children how to take care of themselves (and others). They teach their kids how to work for something and not expect others to serve them, and also love their kids and meet their physical and care-taking needs, setting standards for being physically and emotionally healthy: showing by example how to love people, by doing things for them without being asked.

If someone completely paves the way for their children, there is nothing to overcome. Healthy growth requires pushing against authority and searching for self-actualization in spite of the short-comings of their parents, and the things their parents neglected to do for them. It may be that they didn’t give the child everything the kiddo wanted. In essence that is a “challenge.” On the other hand, it could be that they gave their kid anything and everything leaving them powerless. This is a challenge as well. So, as a parent you’re damned if you do, and you’re damned if you don’t. No matter what you’re doing… You can not perfectly meet every need and desire of your child. You’re going to give too much or not enough.

There will be things that your child can talk to their therapist about. The things that you did (or didn’t do) for them – the ways in which you “fail” as a parent. But you know what? The fact that you worry “am I screwing up my kid?” shows that you care enough to NOT screw up your kid irreparably. So relax. If you are modeling how to love someone to your kiddo by loving them (even when they don’t “deserve” it), and if you are being practical and not removing every obstacle from your child’s path, you’re doing it. If you were perfect, you’d still screw them up by providing unrealistic expectations for humanity to them.

So “yes,” you’re screwing up your kids, and that’s a good thing. Keep going.